Similar versions are doing the rounds of the internet. But if you haven’t seen one, and you want a quick catch-up on the history of the people of God in the Bible, just read on…
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think he must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Able. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was a real ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pottery. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports jacket.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them his Top Ten commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, drink or covet your neighbor’s
arse ass. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Jellicoe and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is The Star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mum is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the seducers. Jesus also had twelve epistles. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and preached to the Germans on the Mount and said ‘Blessed are the Greeks’. But the bad guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus, but washed his hands instead and went on the Flight to Egypt. Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back again at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolutions.
So now you know!!