The three political answers

I first saw this at the redoubtable MetaCatholic’s site, but it must be given an airing for the two or three who read this blog too. It was written by Michael Gove in the (London) Times, and it’s just a hoot!

 

There are only three political answers. In no particular order they are:

1. My statistics are bigger than your statistics. Whenever challenged on the facts, simply come up with your own list of numbers and try to browbeat the listener into submission. For example: “Well, you may think its wrong of Lord Voldemort to use his third term to target the muggle-born Sarah, but since we established Death-Eater rule this country has won more Quidditch matches at international level than any other major EU nation, so I think that shows our Snitch Strategy is working.”

2. I may smell, but the other guy’s a skunk. Whenever challenged on your record, point out that your predecessors were worse and they would, if they ever returned, wreak havoc on our green and pleasant land. For example: “Yes, under Lord Saruman we haven’t been able to put as many uruk-hai on the beat as we would have wanted, and we’re working on that, but issues around orc welfare were completely neglected under the old Gandalf regime, and if he and the Fellowship of the Ring get their way we can expect massive cuts in orc provision and a return to the bad old days of two-tier public services with a sheep and goats, elves and orcs approach to policy.”

3. I refuse to recognise your premise and will say what I want anyway. Whenever presented with facts (or an argument) that are inconvenient and there are no bogus stats to hand and you can’t recall just why the other guys are worse, then just bulldoze. For example: “So, Lucifer, you said your rebel angels would create a new Jerusalem but instead you’ve built a pit of flames and suffering – why?” “What we’re seeing across creation is a massive upheaval of the kind I think no one predicted, but it’s important to bear in mind we’ve got policies for the long term, with nuclear furnaces replacing the old sulphur-fired ones, training for imps, demons and dark angels as well as a new hellfire to work strategy for the long-term unrepentant. So we’re focused on the issue that souls in torment really worry about.”

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